It happened again. For the lapse of maybe two seconds, I forgot..that my dad is no longer here. This hasn't happened in years.

The first time happened when I was walking to my former office and I was recalling a conversation my friends were having on NYE about why British people always sound so smart and proper. Peter went on to say it's because they don't use fillers when they talk, i.e. "like", "um", "uhh". And I thought to myself, hmm..he could have a point there. Then, I thought back to the old classic movies I used to watch with my dad and recalled how proper those American actors in the old movies sounded. I wondered if it was a sign of the times or if they were merely following script. Finally, I thought to myself, "I'll have to ask dad."

My mind stopped dead in its tracks. For even the briefest of moments, I forgot. For the slightest of seconds, I believed he was still here--still readily available to answer any question I might have. But I wouldn't be going home that day to a dark brown man with a charming smile and bright eyes, sitting in his favorite leather cream-colored recliner, ready to greet me and ask me how my day was. I couldn't pull up a seat next to him and pick apart his brain. Couldn't complain to him about how sucky my day was, or gush about the new guy I met at a birthday party and how deeply I wanted him to meet him. Yours is the approval I seek the most, dad. And you're not even here to give it to me.

I never reached an old enough age to where I could have a serious debate with him on anything..at any time. My dad was Republican. I'm a liberal. Man, would I love to hear him speak his mind in today's world. And he wouldn't demean me or patronize me for my viewpoints. He would simply state, "To each his own." (And then probably offer about a million of brilliant reasons why I'm wrong--not due to ego, mind you. Due to his natural ability to think, and think brilliantly. The man had wisdom oozing from his pores. Yess..It has to be said. My dad was brilliant. But hosted a humility unlike any other, to keep his brilliance under wraps.)

He was a walking encyclopedia, no make that library, and I only scratched the surface of a scarce amount of books.

Anyhoo, It doesn't ever really stop hurting, you know? You "move on", and some wounds heal, but so many others don't. And you never dare to leave behind your memories, for they are your treasures. Intangible, but real and precious. Yes, I have a blessed life, and yes, I have family, friends, and a boyfriend who love me, but there's always going to be that pain. Small, at times. Gargantuan in others, especially in moments of desperation. It doesn't matter how old you are now or when they passed. The heartache is all the same. Delivers the same amount of punch.

The second time I forgot my dad is no longer here was today, at my new job. I was at my computer, my mind floating away to a hypothetical wedding and a hypothetical dress, (I watch "Say Yes to the Dress" too many Friday nights), and I thought, "Ooh! If that were me, I'd bring my dad to go dress shopping."

My head literally dropped down. I couldn't believe I had done it again. I felt..what's the opposite of smart? No, my dad can't go dress shopping with me, and no, he can't walk me down that aisle. I am a grown woman. Who buries her head in the arm of her boyfriend, so no one sees her cry every time there is a father-daughter dance at every wedding she attends.

How I envy all those grown adult daughters who catch up with their dad, having lunch at a restaurant like they do in the movies. I've always longed to do that. A simple thing to some..but I'd give anything for one lunch or one dinner with my dad.

I don't know why all of a sudden I am having these mind glitches or slips of the mind. Maybe I feel his presence somehow. Or maybe I'm becoming senile.

I remember and reminisce not to bring tears to my eyes, but to try and feel again the joy he brought to this life. I have to be my father's daughter and keep my chin up when I feel like sinking my head in the sand, be kind to everyone I meet, show compassion and what's more, mercy; to hold fast to an optimism and positivity only a select few can have, especially if you've led the life he had. To live with faith, and live it well.

I'm not saying he was perfect. He was my dad. And an amazing one, if that.

35Nay Appel, Karla Myns and 33 others

Comments

Ruth Redmond 😢😘 his presence is with you even in times you wouldn't imagine. Your Dad was all about Family and love it shows through you guys as he left a strong impressionable legacy. So don't ever feel too old to cry laugh and reminisce

Unlike · Reply · 3 · February 13 at 3:04am · Edited

Crystal Lancaster thank you.. =}

Like · Reply · 1 · February 16 at 11:28am

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Paula Lancaster This brought tears to my eyes because I feel the same way about my dad. I always thought that he wouldn't be here to walk me down the aisle on that special day. I guess the beauty in it is that they were brothers and even if they had different views on things, they were very much alike and were very close. Miss my uncle Maurice too!

Unlike · Reply · 2 · February 13 at 7:02am

Crystal Lancaster wish I could've known Uncle James! wish i knew what he was like. =}

Like · Reply · February 16 at 11:49am

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Christina Hill My dad still tells me stories about your dad. They were great friends, more like brothers. I can feel the love my dad has for yours when he speaks of their adventures.

Unlike · Reply · 1 · February 13 at 7:54am

Crystal Lancaster does he? i remember the mention of your dad very well. our families should reconnect soon.

Like · Reply · 1 · February 16 at 11:52am · Edited

Christina Hill Crystal Lancaster I agree!

Like · Reply · February 16 at 1:15pm

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Dena Fisher Thanks for sharing. I love reading your posts. You made me cry😰

Unlike · Reply · 2 · February 13 at 10:06am

Crystal Lancaster aw, thank you.

Like · Reply · February 16 at 11:42am

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Kim Lee Aww Twin!! I wish I could have met him.

Unlike · Reply · 1 · February 13 at 3:41pm

Crystal Lancaster me, too, twin! me, too.

Like · Reply · February 14 at 5:21pm

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Sheri Wendy 💖 We agree with Dena, your writing can bring tears to the driest eyes. (book time)

.....Wendy and I are talking about you and your dad.... You're lucky to have those thoughts; He sounds like an amazing man! ....I wish we could met him… I know Richar...See More

Unlike · Reply · 3 · February 15 at 2:08pm

Crystal Lancaster thanks, sheri! hopefully, not anytime soon hehe but yes..if we all crossed paths in Heaven, he'd be the first person I'd introduce to all of you.

Like · Reply · 1 · February 16 at 11:47am